Sunday, September 18, 2016

Working titles

These these are some working titles for posts I'm working on ... Working on by writing and working on as in trying to ever get the courage to post them.

-what your doctors' office isn't tell you

-suicide doesn't just happen

-what you're saying to the person struggling with depression/self worth may actually be doing more harm than good

-I think my cat might be trying to kill me


How marriage is different - so different! - than what I'd expected

-on gaining the wedding weight and how easy it is to do!

-there's so much to fight about

-we don't have to agree, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends.

I'm hoping to expand on these soon but it's taken me a year to post our honeymoon posts so I guess just take what you can get!

Monday, September 12, 2016

Ten things that are gross

"Ten things that are gross"

presented with throwback pictures of Baby Kate.
and also some gifs.

1. Handkerchiefs. First of all, I had no idea there was a "d" in this word. Second of all, how are people still using these?? I don't mean the cute little pocket squares that hipsters wear, I mean the flimsy piece of white fabric that too man men use to store snot in their pockets. Men literally take the handkerchief out of their pockets, blow some snot into it, and then stuff it back in their pockets. And then do the same thing like 15 minutes later. And then they hand them to women to dry their tears.

2. Pinpads anywhere. At the ATM, at the grocery store, at Target, at IKEA... those are little germ circuses just waiting for your sweaty little fingers to happen upon them. Think of all the fingers that were literally just in a snot pocket that then touched that keypad!

3. Hats. Hats are gross. They go on your gross dirty hair and your gross dirty hairline and get all sweaty and disgusting and you know you never wash them. EVER.

4. Bowling shoes.

5. The seats at movie theaters. I've never worked at a movie theater but I would bet $7 that the seats never get disinfected. And you're putting your HEAD on those seats.

6. The butts of all your pants. Think of all the gross surfaces your butt touches! MOVIE THEATER SEATS. Chairs at your germ infested doctor's office. Seats on public transportation.

7. Any clothes on a clothes rack at a store. You do NOT know who tried those skinny jeans on before you. You do NOT know whose feet were just in those sandals. You do NOT know who just tried on that same hat. THESE THINGS ARE SO GROSS.

8. Any Redbox. I hate going to Redbox because you can see where allllllll the other fingers have been... and it's gross. You also don't know whose house that cheap movie was just in. There could be drugs or bodily fluids on that movie case!

9. The trays at restaurants. You know how at fast food places they usually give you a tray to carry your food? Those trays are gross. When I worked at a certain sandwich place in high school we didn't wash the trays unless there was something really gross on them. We usually just wiped them off with a dirty rag and then gave them to other people to put their food on.

10. Fresh produce at a grocery store. I am begging you, PLEASE do not buy produce and then eat it instantly. Do you know how many times I've picked up an apple, squeezed it to see if it was ripe, and then put it back? Uh, like, a billion. PEOPLE ARE TOUCHING YOUR FOOD WITH THE HANDS THEY JUST USED TO BLOW THEIR NOSES.

You're welcome. Sorry if you just threw up. Here, I'll give you a hankie.

Monday, September 5, 2016

A tale of the rudest family I have ever met

On Sunday, Keith and I had an early anniversary celebration. Our official anniversary is September 26, but we have a few fun things planned throughout the month. Sunday was the first event. We got tickets to see John Williams conduct the LA Philharmonic in an amazing performance of some well known and beloved movie songs at The Hollywood Bowl. The most popular being, of course, Star Wars. The performance was amazing, but unfortunately we were really only able to enjoy about 1/3 of the songs.



The Hollywood Bowl is a beautiful outdoor amphitheater located in Hollywood (obviously). It's within walking distance of downtown, the Hollywood Walk of Fame, the Chinese Grauman Theater, etc. There's a view of the Hollywood sign and when you're there you forget that you're so close to the craziness that is downtown Hollywood.

The best part?

YOU CAN BRING YOUR OWN FOOD/DRINKS IN. I mean, you can bring in a full on picnic and as many bottles of wine as you can carry! Thankfully Keith told me about this before we left so we felt super prepared with our bag of Cheez Its, some brownies, peanut butter pretzels, and a bottle of wine and another bottle of Dr Pepper/whipped cream vodka. We were set.

Within ten minutes of sitting down I successfully knocked over my unopened bottle of Pinot Noir and it rolled under the seats in front of us and shattered. My heart shattered, too. You can see the giant pool of my happiness and some shards of glass at the bottom of this picture:

Do you know what an entire bottle of red wine spilled on the ground smells like? Gross. It smells like gross. Thankfully nobody sat down near us until the evidence had dried, so nobody knew what had happened. I was pretty jealous of all the bottles of wine being opened all around us, but I mean I guess you don't have to have alcohol to have fun...?

Look, here's us. Another story: I figured since we were going to a symphony I should dress up. I spent Saturday night trying on dresses and complaining to Keith that "nothing fits me anymore all my clothes are too small hey is that a brownie and can I have some?" I was texting Lindsay about it and she made some suggestions which made me scoff and reply with something like, "Lindsay, it's a symphony. It's not exactly a shorts and casual button down shirt event." And she was like "ok you psycho."

So on Sunday I literally spent two hours doing my hair and my makeup and then I walked upstairs and found Keith in a t-shirt and shorts. And then I cried.

K: I told you it isn't fancy.
J: But you didn't tell me it's a t-shirt kind of thing.
K: ...but I told you it isn't fancy.
J: But this is DIFFERENT. I feel so stupid.
K: Why?
J: Because I was going to wear a FANCY DRESS.
K: I thought you said you were going to wear jeans?
J: I asked if jeans were okay, I never said I was going to wear jeans.
K: But... you're wearing jeans...?
J: But I wasn't GOING to wear jeans. I can't believe you didn't tell me this isn't a fancy thing!!!

I'm a joy to be around, wouldn't you agree?

Then, we spent a lot of time walking around and I sweated off half my makeup and my curls mostly fell out so then I felt really stupid for spending two hours on everything.

At 7:30 the show started and this is really where the important part of my story starts. Ok so yes, we were at an outdoor concert, but it was a symphony. It was not a sing-a-long and it was not a daycare. It was the kind of concert where you go to be quiet while the music is playing and just generally be a polite and considerate human being. And you also let yourself get moved by the music and feel the feelings and emotions and do all of that QUIETLY AND IN Y OUR HEAD until intermission.


The family behind us had an infant and a child who looked about 7 years old. Do you know who you definitely should not take to a symphony? An infant and a 7 year old boy. During the entire first half of the show the infant was fussing and then straight up crying. AND the dad was eating chips straight out of the bag and not even trying to do it quietly. So we were trying to listen to David Newman conduct the orchestra in songs from The Godfather, Sabrina, Sunset Boulevard, and others, and they were probably really beautiful songs but OH I COULD NOT HEAR THEM OVER THE SOUND OF YOUR BABY SCREAMING AND YOUR BAG OF CHIPS CRINKLING.

During intermission Keith and I whispered to each other that we were going to go crazy if the crying and the eating kept happening, and I was literally praying that God would suddenly give the family behind us a heaping dose of common sense and courtesy because I just wanted to enjoy John Williams for my anniversary, OKAY?

Before I go on, I need to explain something else. The Bowl Store was selling light sabers and since most of the second half of the show would be Star Wars themed, they were selling like hotcakes. The light sabers not only lit up, but they also had sound effects. They made light saber noises, a lot of them. Loudly.

The little boy behind us had a light saber.

His parents had no sense of common courtesy. It was a recipe for disaster.

John Williams came out and started conducting and in between songs he would tell stories about how much he loves Rey and how when he first wrote music for the very first Star Wars movie he really thought Luke and Leia were going to be lovers and other stories, and the little boy behind us was like HAHAHA THIS IS SO COOL LET ME TURN UP THE VOLUME ON MY LIGHT SABER.

He was waving that thing around and turning up the volume of his toy constantly. I turned around many many many times and caught the eye of his parents and tried to silently tell them, "Your kid needs to turn that volume off because he is ruining the show for everybody!" But it didn't work. At. All.

I heard his dad say to him at least three times, "Ha ha ha, I bet you're pissing off everybody around us with that noise ha ha ha."

Have you ever felt your blood actually boil?

I didn't think it could get worst, but then I turned around and saw the boy waving his noisy toy around while his dad was laughing and FILMING HIM. He was not only ignoring his son's bad behavior, he was encouraging it. And then, they both started humming along with the music. LOUDLY.

I thought I was going to explode. This boy was sitting directly behind me and I could not hear the sound of the orchestra over the sound of the toy. I could see other people around us turning around trying to find where the noise was coming from, too, and I know we weren't the only people who were annoyed.

There were hundreds, if not thousands, of light sabers waving in the air, and it really looked incredible. There were scenes from the movies playing on the big screen and I wanted so badly to just be able to enjoy it, but I just couldn't.

I finally got so fed up that I turned around and whispered loudly to the boy and his parents, "That noise is VERY DISTRACTING," and I did not try to be polite about it one bit. And guess what? THE NOISE STOPPED.

Well, the noise from the light saber stopped. The dad seemed to be offended or upset that I had said something, because after that he and his son literally screamed at the beginning and end of every song. Right in our ears. SCREAMED. They hadn't done this the entire show but then suddenly decided it would be a good idea. Coincidence? NO.

At the end, John Williams walked off the stage and then immediately came back for an encore. He announced that they were going to play "Hedwig's Theme," from Harry Potter, and told everyone to put down their light sabers and pick up their wands. I can't explain how awesome that was. This song starts out as a quiet piano piece, and the little boy's mom told him to, "be quiet so everybody can hear the song."

Then, the dad cheered and yelled out, "HARRY POTTER IS THE SHIT!"

I agree. Harry Potter is the shit. But you know what? SOME MOMENTS ARE NOT THE CORRECT MOMENT TO YELL OUT THAT FACT. I thought I was going to lose my mind.

When the song was over the mom said something to the dad and he loudly stated that "Some people probably should have bought better seats."

YOU. ASSHOLE. I didn't say anything else to him, and neither did Keith or anybody else, and thankfully they left right when they show was over. A large part of me wishes I had stopped him and explained a few things to him, though. Thing like,

+ I get that you and your son love Star Wars, but that doesn't give you license to ruin the show for everybody around you.

+ How much money we did or didn't spend on these tickets has nothing to do with how much courtesy and respect the other spectators should show. You and your family are some of the rudest people I have ever had the misfortune to sit so close to.

+ You are doing a disservice to your son by teaching him that it's not only acceptable, but encouraged to be as disruptive and rude as he was. You are an adult and you should know better, and you're going to be in for it when he's older.


+ If your children can't sit still for the length of the concert, maybe you should leave them at home. Have you ever heard of a babysitter? With the amount of money you spent on tickets for your children and that stupid light saber toy you could have paid for a babysitter and bought them a pizza for dinner.

+You successfully ruined our evening. We tried to sit there and enjoy what we could hear over the sound of your screaming and your child's toy, but at a certain point that became impossible. Especially when you decided to sit there like an immature asshat and deliberately scream into our ears.

+ I hope that on your drive home your children screamed the whole way and you got stuck in horrendous traffic and your kid had his light saber turned on high during the whole car ride. I also hope you stepped on 17 Star Wars legos in your bare feet that night.

After the family had left, a lady came up to us and thanked me for saying something to the family. Then, at least 10 other people who were sitting around us started talking about how frustrating it was to have to listen to that the whole show and how they couldn't believe how rude the kid was and how little the parents cared. That made me feel a tiny bit better, but just a tiny bit.

Can you tell I'm still upset? What would you have done in that situation? Have you ever had an experience with a horribly disruptive audience member like this? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THEM?

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Honeymoon: Our last day in Cappadocia

If you'd like to catch up on our honeymoon, you've got your work cut out for you:
Honeymoon: Part 1
Honeymoon: Athens Part 1
Honeyoon: Athens Part 2
Honeymoon: Ephesus
Honeymoon: Cappadocia Part 1
Honeymoon: Cappadocia and my favorite part of our honeymoon:
So, now that you're all caught up you know that in Honeyoon time we just finished our hot air balloon ride about an hour ago. Since I married the most active and adventurous man in the world, our day was only beginning! We took a shuttle back to our hotel and relaxed for about 45 minutes before we headed out in our sweet Volvo to hike Rose Valley. This hike was incredible and I enjoyed it much more than our Pigeon Valley hike because I was wearing actual hiking clothes instead of jeans. You guys, I can't even explain how beautiful Turkey is.

We saw so many churches and homes carved into the hillsides! If you look closely at the pictures with the area in the background you can see windows and doorways etched into the crevices. Here is a picture of Keith standing in a church. I was pretty in awe of all the paintings!

Keith took a picture from his perspective (above) of me (below) standing in front of the doorway to this church.

The amount of detail they were able to carve into the hillsides still astounds me. I also can't believe it has help up for hundreds upon hundreds of years!

At one point in history the people who lived in these hillside homes (I think they were Hittites but I could be v v wrong) were attacked by other people, and the attackers carved out the faces on every single painting in the churches.

Our hike was in a U-shape, so we didn't have to do any backtracking - thank God! Below is a picture where you can see one of the many ways I nearly died on our honeymoon,. There was a hill/cliff that you had to go down, and the only way to go down was to hold onto a rope and belay yourself down to the bottom! I have no idea how old this rope was, but it didn't feel very sturdy. It was pretty thin so it was hard to hold on to, and I was basically crying the entire way down. Keith was below to take pictures give me moral support, and we made sure I stopped on a ledge so he could photograph my precarious position!

I don't think it would be possible to climb up this hillside. Seriously, it was so steep and I still have nightmares about it!!

Here are some homes where you can see pigeon holes carved into the hillside! The rocks to get into these particular homes were too steep, so we didn't get to see the insides.

Here is a panoramic picture of a church.

There was one huge rock/mountain that had a concerning looking ladder leading up to the doorway. I opted to stand below while Keith explored. He barely made it to the doorway and found it had been locked. I was soooo disappointed...

There was one spot where there was this super random little market thing, where a lady was selling beverages beneath grapevines. This wagon was standing outside of it. I really wish we had gotten a picture of her store, but I guess the internet will just have to settle for the wagon.

Toward the end of the hike there were these rickety "stairways" that we had to climb. They were so slippery and steep! It took me a long time to make it up these stairs.

The Rose Valley Hike ended up being super beautiful and I really loved it. After the hike we drove through the old streets of Otahrisar and then went to another castle.

Anything other than the main roads was made up of cobblestones, which was really interesting to drive on. I have some videos of what it looked like driving on these old roads so if you're lucky maybe one day you'll get to see that.

We decided to go to the top of Otarhisar Castle (its name means "Middle Castle") and look out over Turkey. YOU GUYS. This was SO SCARY. The stairs to get to the top of the castle were STEEP and SLIPPERY! I was wearing Toms which have zero traction and I was almost crying every time we had to go down some stairs.

Here we are once we'd reached the middle of the castle. You can already see the amazing view behind us, and in the very background you can see Uchisar Castle, where we'd already been.

What, you don't mess around with your selfie stick in the Middle East?

The above picture was the middle of the castle. There were signs saying we weren't allowed to go to the top of the castle. Apparently a few years ago somebody had gone to the top and had either died falling from the top or fallen trying to get to the top, so they were just playing it safe and not letting anybody get close to the top.

We saw some people looking guilty as they descended the top of the castle. We went up to them and asked if they'd made it to the top and they whispered what I thought was, "Yes, but be careful. There are guards patrolling up there." Naturally this made Keith feel like we just HAD to make it to the top.

WE CLEARLY WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO CROSS THIS GATE but Keith told me I had to. I was nervous but pretended like I was fine.

When we got to the top, we didn't find guards. We found "two girls." They were setting off those balloons like in Tangled. The view from the top was so beautiful! I'm glad we disobeyed everything and made it up there.

Coming down was NOT fun.

This was a view of the castle we ascended (not legally) from another point in the city. Look at all those homes!

The last thing we did was go back toward our hotel and visit "Sunset Point" in Cappadocia. Keith had read amazing things about this online, and I'll admit we were a little disappointed by the views. It was beautiful, but not what we were expecting.

The best part was that there were feral cats roaming all around, and one of them wandered up to us and sat in Keith's lap! Probably didn't give him any diseases. While we were sitting there with the cat Keith promised me that eventually we would get our own cat and that basically made our entire trip worth it.

After the sunset, we got a much needed dinner. This is only mentionable because Keith ordered a "meat stew" which ended up being mostly stewed tomatoes with a little bit of meat thrown in. Keith HATES tomatoes. Like, he thinks they're poison. I can't remember what I ordered but it was AMAZING and I was forced to share with my husband because when you get married you vow to share your meals for life.


Whenever I post the next portion of our trip it will be of Istanbul. It will be almost a year after the fact. I SUCK. SORRY.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016


Today's post is going to be some general life confessions. But not the humble brag confessions like, "I didn't work out this week and all I ate was crap and I somehow STILL managed to lose five pounds!" No, these are actual kind of embarrassing confessions that I will only tell to my closest friends and the entire internet.

I confess...

+ I fill in my eyebrows almost ever night before I go to sleep. This is equal parts because I genuinely love filling in my brows and what if there's an emergency in the middle of the night and I have to be rushed to the hospital or rush the animals to the vet or there's a fire and I need to be evacuated? God forbid I be evacuated without properly filled in brows.

+ Wednesday morning I posted a picture of a coffee tumbler in front of our trees... And there was never any coffee in the tumbler. I literally pulled a pretty tumbler out of the cupboard, positioned it in front of the trees, and took a picture. I even enhanced the sun flare because I am just that fake.

+ I buy junk food and hide it from my husband.

+ I'm rewatching Parenthood for the third time.

+ I hate how every time I mention that I don't feel great I ALWAYS get asked, "ARE YOU PREGNANT?"

+ I still don't know how to answer when patients at my work ask me why I'm not pregnant or when Keith and I are going to have a baby. Nobody is satisfied with my response of, "we're waiting a while," or, "we want to travel first."

+ I routinely stalk the Facebook pages of people I knew in high school, even if we aren't actually friends on Facebook.

+ The other night I cut my own hair because I'm much to cheap to pay somebody else to cut it for me.

+ I'm a hypochondriac and that fact has only been exacerbated by the fact that I work in a doctor's office.

+ One time I left cheese out of the fridge all night and still ate it the next day.

+ Sometimes at night I lie in bed trying to think of what I should post on Instagram the next day.

+ I feel uncomfortable that this post doesn't have a picture.

+ I am always silently judging your grammar.

That is all.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

If these were Olympic sports I would have so many gold medals

The Olympics may be over, but that doesn't mean I have to stop writing posts related to them. I know I'm not the only one who watches the Olympics and thinks about all the gold medals I would win if certain things were Olympic sports, RIGHT? So, because of that I present to you my list of gold medals I would win if certain things were Olympic sports.
// Eating popcorn. Did you know popcorn is actually healthy for you? Not the way I make it, because I like to get the movie theater butter kind and then put some extra butter and salt on it ... but apparently plain popcorn isn't very bad for you. But I mean, if you're going to eat plain popcorn you may as well just eat a cardboard box. Anyway, I could probably set an Olympic record for "most popcorn eaten in an entire sitting." In case you're wondering, PopSecret makes the best popcorn.
// Holding babies. I can hold a baby for HOURS. DAYS. WEEKS. I mean, probably.
Kynlee, Maggie, Maggie
// Showering quickly. I do not understand people who like to take long showers and use that time to "think." I like to get in and get out, which is a good thing because my state is currently experiencing a 5 year long drought.

// Talking about working out without actually working out. Did you know if you just talk about running 5 miles you burn as many calories as you did if you actually ran 5 miles? Wait, that's not true. Oh. Crap. #mywholelifeisalie

// Reading peoples' TMI posts. Nothing excites me more than a good dose of TMI (unless it's a giant bowl of overly-buttered popcorn). I can't stand vague-posting but when people want to rant and rage about all of their problems on the internet? I LOVE IT. TELL ME MORE.

// Making Honey-Do lists. It is so much easier to make a list of all the things I need my husband to do than to make a list of things I need to do. It's really fun, too. For both of us, probably.

// Filtering the crap out of pictures. Don't get me wrong, I'm not on the level of Michael Phelps, but I love adding a good 30 filters on my pictures. I've toned it down a lot since 2013 when I first discovered editing apps and made my eyes look like they were about to pop out of my head, though. You're welcome.

// Taking pictures of my cat. This is pretty much what I do with 90% of my life. In fact, the biggest reason why we don't have kids is because I don't have enough memory on my phone.
Now it's your turn: in what "sports" would YOU win an Olympic gold medal?