Sunday, June 11, 2017

Stuff My Husband Says



Husband: I love you so much, you're the prettiest girl ever!
Me: Aww, I love you too!
Husband: ...I was talking to the dog.


Me: Please don't buy anything from the store except salsa. I went grocery shopping and I have lots of healthy food and I have meals planned.
*One hour later*
Husband: Look! I bought Hamburger Helper!


Me: Hey, did you wash this bowl?
Husband: Yeah.
Me: Did you use soap?
Husband: Yeah.
Me: Did you use a sponge?
Husband: I used my fingers. Isn't that the same?

*One week when we were on a healthy eating kick*
Husband: No, don't put any salt on my vegetables. We're being healthy.
*Two hours later when I found him eating Reese's Puffs out of the carton on the couch and accused him of being a hypocrite*
Husband: What? It's healthy. It's cereal.


*After I asked him to please bring home a cucumber*
Me: Why did you bring me a zucchini?
Husband: ...what's the difference?


Husband: You know, before you I used to keep the same spoon in my work truck and I'd use it every day to eat chili out of a can and I'd clean it with spit.


Me: Are you really watching soccer? AGAIN?
Husband: Yes, I'm trying to get into it.
Me: *large groan*
Husband: What?
Me: It's just... there's always some kind of sport on.
Husband: That is literally the point.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

You must be pregnant

Let me list for you some conversations I've had with people who either really want me to be pregnant owho are really convinced that I'm already pregnant. PSA: This is never okay. DO NOT BE THIS 'PERSON.'

Person: Huh, you look tired today.
*Pauses, looks around room, then leans in and whispers loudly:*
ARE YOU PREGNANT


Person: Are you pregnant?
Me: No.
Person: Want some candy?
Me: Yes.
Person: A CRAVING. YOU'RE PREGNANT, I KNEW IT!



Me: I have a pimple.
Person: OMG PREGNANCY HORMONES.



Person: How long have you been married?
Me: A year and eight months.
Person: OMG YOU MUST BE PREGNANT.



Person: Why aren't you pregnant?
Me: It's not the right time and it's also NOYB
Person: LOL OK BUT U R PROBS PREGNANT RN



Me: None of my clothes fit me anymore.
Person: Because you're pregnant?
Me: No, Deborah, because I've been eating too much ice cream and I've gotten too chunky.
Person: PREGNANT PEOPLE EAT ICE CREAM OMG YOU'RE PREGNANT.



Me; Wow does anybody else smell that?
Person: YOU SENSE OF SMELL IS GETTING STRONG U MUST BE PREGNANT.


TL;DR: I am not pregnant; please stop making assumptions.